where’s the gun?

where’s the gun? I keep asking myself…

It was so frightening last night, I thought i will see someone shot himself or somebody else of course with a gun..

I would never want that…

just try to imagine…

a lifeless body… a gun in one hand and blood all over the place..

I don’t want to tell you who is that man who is trying to kill himself or somebody else… all i know that if that happened last night?

right now i’m not writing on this blog… maybe im attending a wake… and I dont want it to be that way..

all these f***ing problems in this world makes me sick and ofcourse I also wants to kill myself… but dont worry it’s just part of my crazy imagination and just some exageration…

I want to help someone, so I dont wanna die..

committing suicide is not a solution, it’s like you’re running away with problems and you can’t solve anything with it…

anyways.. after that frightening seconds… i was so shocked that i texted someone and knowing that gun was under the bed that I was sleeping in… so freakin’ scary..

because i don’t know what to do.. i kinda give the gun to someone because i’m totally scared of keeping it myself! no way!

i dont know if its a good thing or bad.. but i don’t know who is she… the one that i gave the gun? all i know she is someone that doesnt want that man to kill himself…

so i guess she wont give it to him…

if you’re asking about the bullets..well after that man hide it under the bed again… when he was nowhere in sight i kinda hid it and only me and my sister knows where it is…

so … where’s the gun? i don’t know either… but if i see it again? I will definitely throw it at the river…! i promise that!

miserable life…

where would i start? It’s been a rollercoaster ride…and it’s a hell! i’m not even finish riding it…
and don’t know if i’m close to the end…
lets consider this phrase “you can’t get want you want!” yeah! the hell with it..
the start of this sem is was a simple one..
new friends… new professors…everything is new…
I have a problem before this… before the summer came..
but i’s alright then..
i can handle it…
but now…Oh my god! i don’t know if i can take it any longer..shit!
i was so happy last june… i thought it’s a start of a good end..
but i’m wrong.. i’m not in the middle of it yet but it’s very depressing
considering the fact that I moved somwhere else..
no one to talk to… no one to laugh at… nothing
just the liitle me in a dark room of loneliness
i dont know why this is happening to me..
and you know the worst part of it…?
you open your heart once again to that person…shit!
it was fully closed..but you tried to open it and then your goin to break it! shame on you..
tha’s why… i’m feeling this..
i’m miserable, alone..
with no one…
to depend to just myself….what a perfect life!

much have been shed… time for a change..

months that ache..

months that break..

months i will treassure…

months that i will live forever…

where do i start?… this past two months was very changing…in every part of my life… lonely, depressing but worth fighting…moment by moment… I learned my lesson… eventhough I shed so may tears that can fill up a lake… I still continue to live… "no harm done" yes physically but emotionally? im ruined…

i keep on fighting. It’s not the end of the world!duh? I won’t kill myself for that… i’m not suicidal… I have a lot more ahead of me.. dreams to fullfill.. goals to attain.. No person will going to take that from me.. They might had misunderstood me… but it’s just who i am. I just loved and want to be love back… by the person that i will call mine… I’m not looking for a perfect person nor an ideal one.. Im not expecting a cheesy episode on how we meet and end up together. As long as he is there for me… unlike the others who told me that he will not leave me.. well."reality bites" we are in reality not in dreamland amigo! the person you think will not betray you. After all tha love that you gave is the one who’s goin to spoil everything… not just once… but so many times..thinking that i didn’t understood that person..i did..and if i’m not..i wont be like this.. I’m so tired of playing this game… enough for me..it’s time that for once i will love myself.. i’m sorry i lost a "bestfriend"… but i treassured the memories we once had… It’s all coming back again like before… the only difference is i expected and hoped really badly that it turned me into pieces. *sigh* *breathe deeply* and *smile* eventhough the world turn upside down i’m still here… eventhough much have been shed.. it won’t happen now… not a single drop….

a letter to the one god has prepared for me…

This letter was given to me by my big bro at the dorm kuya erick. He gave it to us when the times when we are so down and some childish ways that we are thinking that we will never find our true love, soulmate or whatever you call it.hahaha imagine that on our age we are worrying about that thing when there are so many things to worry about..silly us! silly me!hehehe

anyways, i hope you guys will enjoy this as i did. True love waits..

here goes…

i am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. many times i thought i finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended. i get up each morning hoping, dreaming, and longing to meet you. im thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones i have seen in the movies? or is it possible that i’ve already met you but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? sometimes i ask myself if i have ever really known "love". i do not have the answer to that question either but i believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person and since i have not found you yet, then maybe i do not really know what love is! you just don’t know how i dream of finally knowing what it feels in you arms. even at this very moment im imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! perhaps i’d be drawn to you by your smile, your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways! i dont really know for sure but im praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes. i think of all the pain that i have gone throught in the past and how much ive cried ever since i started my search. i just wanted you to know tht i find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me — the life i shall spend with you. in my mind and in my heart i know that you are worth all the pain and sacrifice. after all, the tears have become a part of my life and i believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that i would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect — for YOU!

at night i utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. and when i feel impatient, i just close my eyes and believe that you are on you way and that you are longing to see me as well. it is funny that when i finally fall asleep, it is still you i think of, for you are always in my dreams. it seems that for now that is the only place where i can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much i love you. in my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. and this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough,, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again im assured that you are worth the wait. and when that time comes, everything will fall into its place,just as i had imagined, just as i had thought and dreamed, just as i had believed it would be! by then, i would simply look back and smile at all that i have gone through in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life — and i would be very thankful because they all led me to you! in the meantime, take care of yourself for me. hold on to our dream and don’t ever think of letting go. believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. dont worry about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter whick one you choose to follow, lead to me.

pages from a diary… episode II

October 10th, 2006 by enzy-zai21

Im so bad.. I know im invading the privacy of this person… bUt I cant help it! really…

April 27,2006

This day is so tiring, not because of my body ( i didnt do things around here) anyways I’m troubled emotionally…yup! as in! so silly of me.. It is because of my bestfriend…(how stupid!) right? Its been six months since we last talk to each other…haay! I know our friendship is not yet over and it isn’t close yet. In this past few das I always remembered the times we spent together… Nanghihinayang talaga akosa friendship namin… If only I can turn back time! but then again if i did, I will not be in my current situation right now… How i wish I can bring us back, our friendship I mean. I miss the writting of letters. texting each other… everyday, everynight. The meals that w spent together, the endless chitchats. Walking in the streets of Intramuros, helping me with my bags. Always giving me his wonderful smile, his hellos and goodbyes. I really wish I could take it back. I will be honest here in my journal. On the times that we spent together, I was falling for him, It wasn’t intentional really. All I asked is a simple friendship that I will sure treassure. But then you give in… you fell in love with me, At first I can’t believe it. B’coz I know you are just drawn knowing your situation at that time. Haay! I didnt confess to you my feelings and not ever! I wouldn’t! I can’t I will just keep it to myself. In that months that we shared. I stand by you.. giving you advices… oh my God!( I think I’m writting a letter to him) Then it all shattered into pieces. I didn’t thought our friendship will end that way. I know you have your resons I understand but I to have reasons. Haay! I made up my mind… when I come back there i will talk to him, try to fix things clear them up. I’m ready for the rejection of my friendship to him. But atleast I talked to him. No letters, no signs..just me and him…

This days i always dreamt of him, that we are friends again like before. I was so happy in my dreams. But when I woke up I realized that its was all a dream and its not reality! I don’t know what will be my actions when i talk to him. I hope he will. Well. its one of my wish on my coming birthday… Bestfriend, if you only knew…that you are not a curse, you’re a blessing to everyone that loves you… including me…

pages from a diary…

pages from a diary… I accidentally read a diary.. I know it’s wrong but this girl have the same sentiments and i can really relate to her…

April 6, 2006

Can I end my life? coz I want to end it now! I can’t continue anymore! If there is a way that I can die Easily without God being angry with me so I can’t gi to hell for killing myself. I cant stand the pressure anymore… all I want is a goodlife but I guess you can’t have them all. I know that I’m not into him lately, I’m not even goin to church anymore. Sometimes my faith is so down that I can’t believe in you anymore…I dunno if youre still there. You know all I want is to be with you someday. Can someday be right now? I can’t live no mre in this loneliness that I have. I am so selfish, I really know that.I realy don’t know what to do. All i want is to be good at everything!

Under the Knife

It was saturday, just came back from manila and going to see a doctor…I wasn’t scared, because I know I’m just going to be scheduled for a minor operation. I didn’t expect that in that day is the same day! OH MY GOD! is the only thing that I can say to myself… I was with my mom ofcourse but it doesn’t ease anything… I was an IN and OUT patient… meaning i am just going to be operated in a clinic and will not be confined in any hospital.

The doctor told me to lie in the bed, I wasn’t that nervous, just a little bit. I can see clearly that the doctor was preparing things for that operation. That makes me scared. I don’t want to see any needle or something. Thank God I have my jacket with me, I used it to cover my whole face so I couldn’t see a thing…

The doctor started to wipe something in my foot, it’s cold. Then, all a sudden I felt something prick my foot. I screamed loudly but I stayed put. One of the doctors advices so I couldn’t hurt myself more. Well anyways, it isn’t just one prick of that damn anaesthesia! they’re so many! damn them! The most hurtful part of it is not when i tasted the first prick. It is when the medicine runs inside my foot and feel every glide of it. Every prick of it, causes me tears and scream! Begging the doctor to stop… In those times I really felt what I have experienced before. It’s the very same thing. Because anaesthesia make you feel vulnerable, in every bit of it. It makes you strong in a way. It’s only in the middle though, because when it is already gone, you will still feel the same thing that make you suffer. In this time I realized that all those times that i get hurt by the one I love it hurts! definitely! but in the middle of it you feel nothing and in the end of it, you will feel it again as before. As the way it started.

It’s so hard to move on. I really want to fight it, but no matter what i do. I can’t figure it out. It really take so much time and I dunno when. Someday i guess…

I made a decision. I was thinking of it while the doctor is doing something with my damn foot! While tears are running down my cheeks, behind the screams and the sobs.

I will forget my past and start a new… ofcourse memories still linger on just like a sweet sad old song…Cliche… I will just remember myself… me first… i will depend on no one. I will pretend that I have amnesia or something… I will forget all of them. Except my family, LDS, Tayabernse pheepz, My bestfriends, Mayots madrigal, dormates, especially GOD. In short I will just forget that I ever loved a person.