Crash Down

where’s the gun?

2011-04-28T21:40:00.001-07:00

where’s the gun? I keep asking myself…

It was so frightening last night, I thought i will see someone shot himself or somebody else of course with a gun..

I would never want that…

just try to imagine…

a lifeless body… a gun in one hand and blood all over the place..

I don’t want to tell you who is that man who is trying to kill himself or somebody else… all i know that if that happened last night?

right now i’m not writing on this blog… maybe im attending a wake… and I dont want it to be that way..

all these f***ing problems in this world makes me sick and ofcourse I also wants to kill myself… but dont worry it’s just part of my crazy imagination and just some exageration…

I want to help someone, so I dont wanna die..

committing suicide is not a solution, it’s like you’re running away with problems and you can’t solve anything with it…

anyways.. after that frightening seconds… i was so shocked that i texted someone and knowing that gun was under the bed that I was sleeping in… so freakin’ scary..

because i don’t know what to do.. i kinda give the gun to someone because i’m totally scared of keeping it myself! no way!

i dont know if its a good thing or bad.. but i don’t know who is she… the one that i gave the gun? all i know she is someone that doesnt want that man to kill himself…

so i guess she wont give it to him…

if you’re asking about the bullets..well after that man hide it under the bed again… when he was nowhere in sight i kinda hid it and only me and my sister knows where it is…

so … where’s the gun? i don’t know either… but if i see it again? I will definitely throw it at the river…! i promise that!

miserable life…

2011-04-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

where would i start? It’s been a rollercoaster ride…and it’s a hell! i’m not even finish riding it…
and don’t know if i’m close to the end…
lets consider this phrase “you can’t get want you want!” yeah! the hell with it..
the start of this sem is was a simple one..
new friends… new professors…everything is new…
I have a problem before this… before the summer came..
but i’s alright then..
i can handle it…
but now…Oh my god! i don’t know if i can take it any longer..shit!
i was so happy last june… i thought it’s a start of a good end..
but i’m wrong.. i’m not in the middle of it yet but it’s very depressing
considering the fact that I moved somwhere else..
no one to talk to… no one to laugh at… nothing
just the liitle me in a dark room of loneliness
i dont know why this is happening to me..
and you know the worst part of it…?
you open your heart once again to that person…shit!
it was fully closed..but you tried to open it and then your goin to break it! shame on you..
tha’s why… i’m feeling this..
i’m miserable, alone..
with no one…
to depend to just myself….what a perfect life!

much have been shed… time for a change..

2011-04-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

months that ache..

months that break..

months i will treassure…

months that i will live forever…

where do i start?… this past two months was very changing…in every part of my life… lonely, depressing but worth fighting…moment by moment… I learned my lesson… eventhough I shed so may tears that can fill up a lake… I still continue to live… "no harm done" yes physically but emotionally? im ruined…

i keep on fighting. It’s not the end of the world!duh? I won’t kill myself for that… i’m not suicidal… I have a lot more ahead of me.. dreams to fullfill.. goals to attain.. No person will going to take that from me.. They might had misunderstood me… but it’s just who i am. I just loved and want to be love back… by the person that i will call mine… I’m not looking for a perfect person nor an ideal one.. Im not expecting a cheesy episode on how we meet and end up together. As long as he is there for me… unlike the others who told me that he will not leave me.. well."reality bites" we are in reality not in dreamland amigo! the person you think will not betray you. After all tha love that you gave is the one who’s goin to spoil everything… not just once… but so many times..thinking that i didn’t understood that person..i did..and if i’m not..i wont be like this.. I’m so tired of playing this game… enough for me..it’s time that for once i will love myself.. i’m sorry i lost a "bestfriend"… but i treassured the memories we once had… It’s all coming back again like before… the only difference is i expected and hoped really badly that it turned me into pieces. *sigh* *breathe deeply* and *smile* eventhough the world turn upside down i’m still here… eventhough much have been shed.. it won’t happen now… not a single drop….

a letter to the one god has prepared for me…

2011-04-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

This letter was given to me by my big bro at the dorm kuya erick. He gave it to us when the times when we are so down and some childish ways that we are thinking that we will never find our true love, soulmate or whatever you call it.hahaha imagine that on our age we are worrying about that thing when there are so many things to worry about..silly us! silly me!hehehe

anyways, i hope you guys will enjoy this as i did. True love waits..

here goes…

i am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. many times i thought i finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended. i get up each morning hoping, dreaming, and longing to meet you. im thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones i have seen in the movies? or is it possible that i’ve already met you but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? sometimes i ask myself if i have ever really known "love". i do not have the answer to that question either but i believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person and since i have not found you yet, then maybe i do not really know what love is! you just don’t know how i dream of finally knowing what it feels in you arms. even at this very moment im imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! perhaps i’d be drawn to you by your smile, your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways! i dont really know for sure but im praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes. i think of all the pain that i have gone throught in the past and how much ive cried ever since i started my search. i just wanted you to know tht i find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me — the life i shall spend with you. in my mind and in my heart i know that you are worth all the pain and sacrifice. after all, the tears have become a part of my life and i believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that i would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect — for YOU!

at night i utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. and when i feel impatient, i just close my eyes and believe that you are on you way and that you are longing to see me as well. it is funny that when i finally fall asleep, it is still you i think of, for you are always in my dreams. it seems that for now that is the only place where i can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much i love you. in my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. and this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough,, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again im assured that you are worth the wait. and when that time comes, everything will fall into its place,just as i had imagined, just as i had thought and dreamed, just as i had believed it would be! by then, i would simply look back and smile at all that i have gone through in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life — and i would be very thankful because they all led me to you! in the meantime, take care of yourself for me. hold on to our dream and don’t ever think of letting go. believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. dont worry about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter whick one you choose to follow, lead to me.

pages from a diary… episode II

2011-04-28T20:55:00.001-07:00

October 10th, 2006 by enzy-zai21

Im so bad.. I know im invading the privacy of this person… bUt I cant help it! really…

April 27,2006

This day is so tiring, not because of my body ( i didnt do things around here) anyways I’m troubled emotionally…yup! as in! so silly of me.. It is because of my bestfriend…(how stupid!) right? Its been six months since we last talk to each other…haay! I know our friendship is not yet over and it isn’t close yet. In this past few das I always remembered the times we spent together… Nanghihinayang talaga akosa friendship namin… If only I can turn back time! but then again if i did, I will not be in my current situation right now… How i wish I can bring us back, our friendship I mean. I miss the writting of letters. texting each other… everyday, everynight. The meals that w spent together, the endless chitchats. Walking in the streets of Intramuros, helping me with my bags. Always giving me his wonderful smile, his hellos and goodbyes. I really wish I could take it back. I will be honest here in my journal. On the times that we spent together, I was falling for him, It wasn’t intentional really. All I asked is a simple friendship that I will sure treassure. But then you give in… you fell in love with me, At first I can’t believe it. B’coz I know you are just drawn knowing your situation at that time. Haay! I didnt confess to you my feelings and not ever! I wouldn’t! I can’t I will just keep it to myself. In that months that we shared. I stand by you.. giving you advices… oh my God!( I think I’m writting a letter to him) Then it all shattered into pieces. I didn’t thought our friendship will end that way. I know you have your resons I understand but I to have reasons. Haay! I made up my mind… when I come back there i will talk to him, try to fix things clear them up. I’m ready for the rejection of my friendship to him. But atleast I talked to him. No letters, no signs..just me and him…

This days i always dreamt of him, that we are friends again like before. I was so happy in my dreams. But when I woke up I realized that its was all a dream and its not reality! I don’t know what will be my actions when i talk to him. I hope he will. Well. its one of my wish on my coming birthday… Bestfriend, if you only knew…that you are not a curse, you’re a blessing to everyone that loves you… including me…

pages from a diary…

2011-04-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

pages from a diary… I accidentally read a diary.. I know it’s wrong but this girl have the same sentiments and i can really relate to her…

April 6, 2006

Can I end my life? coz I want to end it now! I can’t continue anymore! If there is a way that I can die Easily without God being angry with me so I can’t gi to hell for killing myself. I cant stand the pressure anymore… all I want is a goodlife but I guess you can’t have them all. I know that I’m not into him lately, I’m not even goin to church anymore. Sometimes my faith is so down that I can’t believe in you anymore…I dunno if youre still there. You know all I want is to be with you someday. Can someday be right now? I can’t live no mre in this loneliness that I have. I am so selfish, I really know that.I realy don’t know what to do. All i want is to be good at everything!

Under the Knife

2011-04-28T20:53:00.001-07:00

It was saturday, just came back from manila and going to see a doctor…I wasn’t scared, because I know I’m just going to be scheduled for a minor operation. I didn’t expect that in that day is the same day! OH MY GOD! is the only thing that I can say to myself… I was with my mom ofcourse but it doesn’t ease anything… I was an IN and OUT patient… meaning i am just going to be operated in a clinic and will not be confined in any hospital.

The doctor told me to lie in the bed, I wasn’t that nervous, just a little bit. I can see clearly that the doctor was preparing things for that operation. That makes me scared. I don’t want to see any needle or something. Thank God I have my jacket with me, I used it to cover my whole face so I couldn’t see a thing…

The doctor started to wipe something in my foot, it’s cold. Then, all a sudden I felt something prick my foot. I screamed loudly but I stayed put. One of the doctors advices so I couldn’t hurt myself more. Well anyways, it isn’t just one prick of that damn anaesthesia! they’re so many! damn them! The most hurtful part of it is not when i tasted the first prick. It is when the medicine runs inside my foot and feel every glide of it. Every prick of it, causes me tears and scream! Begging the doctor to stop… In those times I really felt what I have experienced before. It’s the very same thing. Because anaesthesia make you feel vulnerable, in every bit of it. It makes you strong in a way. It’s only in the middle though, because when it is already gone, you will still feel the same thing that make you suffer. In this time I realized that all those times that i get hurt by the one I love it hurts! definitely! but in the middle of it you feel nothing and in the end of it, you will feel it again as before. As the way it started.

It’s so hard to move on. I really want to fight it, but no matter what i do. I can’t figure it out. It really take so much time and I dunno when. Someday i guess…

I made a decision. I was thinking of it while the doctor is doing something with my damn foot! While tears are running down my cheeks, behind the screams and the sobs.

I will forget my past and start a new… ofcourse memories still linger on just like a sweet sad old song…Cliche… I will just remember myself… me first… i will depend on no one. I will pretend that I have amnesia or something… I will forget all of them. Except my family, LDS, Tayabernse pheepz, My bestfriends, Mayots madrigal, dormates, especially GOD. In short I will just forget that I ever loved a person.

no more hating birthdays?

2008-05-26T03:22:00.000-07:00

I never look forward on my birthday... I don't celebrate it in a traditional way... I have personal reasons why... Birthdays, especially my birthday is not my kind of thing...

Thanks to all my friends and family who greeted me... Because I'm so faraway from home... Due to my delayed training at ILS...

For those people who forgot to greet me...

It's okay, I also has the habit to forgot things like birthdays....

Last may 14, I turned 20! My god, I can't believe I'm no longer a teenager... Well people just grow old... Except that I don't look like one... haha

Since not everyone in my office knows my birthday. I wore a red dress. I thought, its time for a change and should wear a traditional color for birthdays.

Maybe it will bring me goodluck..

I had a strawberry cheesecake(my fave!) and a bunch of flowers from my Agi...thanks to him... It's again my first to have a cake on my special occassion since I was a kid.

Maybe it's a time that I shouldn't hate my birthdays at all?

Hmmmm.... I'll think about it.

Plight of the Filipino au pairs

2008-05-26T02:22:00.000-07:00

Before reading this article, let me first tell you the history why I did this article eventhough writing is not one of my best skill...

I am currently a trainee in the Institute of Labor Studies, an attached agency of the Department of Labor Employment... Heaven forbid I was tasked to do a feature article... and this topic intrigue me... because not all average reasonable person knows about it. Even the Dean of our college doesn't know this..hehe

I also would like to thank for the help of my friends; Glad and Bern for editing my work!hehe and also to my Boss who let me do this article and let me re-write it for 3 times!

Also, Thank you ms. gen arroyo who replied on this topic...

To all au pairs! aja aja!eventhough the government hasn't been there for all of you!

So here it goes...

The Plight of Filipino au pairs

The Au Pair exchange program has been in the international arena for years. Au Pair is a French word means “on equal footing”. In Western countries, au pair refers to nannies. It started as an exchange of families of their youngsters with an acquaintance or friends abroad. This program is basically when families host a young person usually female and treat her as an equal member of the family with free board and lodging and a monthly allowance depending in the country. In return of this good favor, the person who is hired will do babysitting and little chores. Westerners treat au pair as their family member and not a common helper. Specifically Au Pairs focus on child care and the likes.

The Au pair program is culture enhancement in nature, where the young person can experience and learn different types of customs and also learn the traditions of the country itself. They also studied the countries language. It is a sort mix of a domestic helper and a typical student abroad that is why it heightens the standards of labor experience.

For years the number of Au pairs increased deliberately in Europe, the host continent for au pairs. This kind of cultural exchange practice is popular in European countries which eventually became a melting pot of au pairs from various countries in the world.

In 1969, the member states of the European Council formulated the Au Pair Placement in response to the increasing number of Au pair. The EU states use the Agreement as the basis for internal regulations concerning au pairs such as what counts as an au pair, minimum age requirement, the visa and health insurance requirements, the need for a contract of agreement between au pairs and host families, the responsibilities of an au pair and a host family. Violating and ignoring the rules means the concerned party has to face the law. However, every country has its own Au pair agreements to consider the rights and responsibilities of the people involved.

Filipinos play a special role in this significant Au pair program. Filipinos are the most sought after au pair in Europe. Since the early 90’s the Netherlands is a famous country for hiring au pairs. There is an estimated 700 Filipina au pairs in 1993 and 1995.
According to Europeans host families, Filipino Au pairs are excellent, modest, hardworking and has a good command in English. Filipino Au pairs are best preferred because of their honest performance as well as their affectionate feelings to children and they work hard even with less pay.

Unfortunately, on November 5, 1998 the Philippine government banned the sending of Filipino au pairs to Europe and the United States. Fair labor treatments for a justified labor were denied to some Filipino Au pairs. According to reports, a lot of them were exploited and deprived of the rights that they deserved. This grave concern led the Philippine Government to ban the sending of Filipino au pairs to countries concerned in order to protect its citizens who were engaged in this field. This led to the decrease of Filipina au pairs.

The au pair industry does not stop there. Though there was a ban, there are still a lot of young Filipinos who aspire to become an au pair because the demand calls for it. There are still numerous agencies looking for young Filipinos wanting to be an au pair who can go to Europe. Filipinos could not be stopped to be engaged in this program due to their dire need for money as this form of migration is their scapegoat to poverty. In order to leave the country, the Filipino applicant resorts to bribing officials at the immigration and other related agencies to this program or had someone in the host country to help them in applying in agencies just to obtain the necessary documents and other requirements needed. According to the Dutch Immigratie en Naturalisatiedienst(IND) there are 661 Filipino au pairs from 2000 to 2005, and until recent years their numbers are stable. Some of them are undocumented, because they end up as domestic helpers with no working permit and some are tourist that extended their stay. This proves that the ban is not effective, and many young people realize that there are a lot of benefits in becoming an au pair and there is a growth of the number of au pair agencies catering for Filipinos.

The Commission on Filipino Overseas provides assistance to the President and Congress to formulate policies concerning Filipinos overseas. They develop and implement programs to promote the interest and well-being of Filipinos abroad, and they serve as forum for preserving and enhancing the social, economic, and cultural ties of Filipinos with the motherland. Lastly they provide services with appropriate government and private agencies in the transaction of business and similar ventures in the Philippines.

The Commission on Filipino Overseas is the one who is handling the au pair program before. They are in the partnership with the Exchange Visitors Program of the United States that increases the mutual understanding between the people of the US and other countries through educational and cultural exchanges. One of its 13 programs includes au pairing, but currently Philippines banned this program. In the Europe situation, the CFO had no agreements with any European countries.

It is the best interest of the International Au Pair Association (IAPA) to remain committed to its policies and regulations concerning the plights of Au pair and to further enhance its nature and help improve serving the lives of the people involved in this endeavor. In response to the concern of the Filipino Au pairs and applicant, the IAPA has been extending its hands to the Philippine government in terms of lifting the ban. They felt that the government temporary ban is going to be permanent without having formal investigations. They want to show the Philippines that in the past decade since they ban the Au Pair program, many things have changed and improved for the real purpose of its vision. There are also a lot of governments and non-government agencies that actively supports and gives generous assistance to the different au pairs grievances on their experiences abroad. But they believe that acceptance of the government will greatly improve the quality of Filipino au pairs. The Au pairs have to face the reality that exploitation can never be scrapped but it can be prevented in many ways. The most important thing is that it still continues its vision in uplifting the knowledge of young people and giving them experience like no other.

European countries became the easy target for aspiring Filipino au pairs unlike in the United States mainly because their embassy is very strict when it comes to visa application for whatever purpose. So, there are no possibilities that Filipinos can apply in the US as an au pair.

I know that the government is still working on their policies but it seems to me that lifting the Au Pair ban should not wait until a new policy is made. It could disarm a lot of young Filipinos that are still waiting for the time that it would be legal again. I feel at ease to know that the government is taking up actions to protect its citizens but banning programs cannot solve issues like Au Pairing in Europe. I believe that they should have further study in what effects that this program can accumulate. If the Philippine government will work on new policies that can see the welfare of the overseas Filipinos that specializes in cultural education then I must say that they should make a move on lifting the ban immediately.

The CFO must be the first one to act in improving the au pair situation in the Philippines because they are the one who is in charge with this certain kind of program. Not only lifting the ban in the United States but also in Europe.

Opening the Au Pair program in the Philippines once again will offer a greater opportunity for the Filipinos who are in search for greener pasture. In addition, Europe is one big continent in which they can be educated that au pairs can use when they come back to their native land.

Migration helps a country through remittances and skills development but it has also its backlash. Due to this, it causes brain drain because their graduate school diploma together with their acquired knowledge is of no use so they reverse to lower type of jobs. A person also faces discrimination, exploitation and other issues that can bring them emotional stress.

Au pair program if regulated well can be a good source of work experience and deeper cultural understanding especially to the youth. It is a 1 year program that can be extended to a maximum period of 2 years. A better agreement between the Philippines and other host countries can be achieved if the au pair program will be maintained and supported by the government by establishing certified agencies. Eventually, this program can achieve its goal which cultural and educational enhancement. Problems with undocumented Filipinos will be solved as well as the brain drain issue. To give you an example, au pairs from Slovakia after working at the host country had found good jobs in their home country. Their experiences and education was credited. If the government will regulate the said program au pair will not illegally stay for a longer period of time because they are obliged to go back home and will be pleased to have good occupation based on their experiences and education abroad. They might say that we do not have enough resources to fund or open up developments for legalizing au pairs but I believe that it is their duty to find a way to make it easier for au pair Filipinos. They are also part of the overseas Filipino community so why discriminate them. It is the CFO and the government’s responsibility to be updated about this kind of issue so that no one will feel neglected by their own nation knowing that they cannot control the migration of Filipino au pairs in Europe.

The government’s participation in cultural exchange program like Au Pairing can give both parties an assurance that what are they doing is legal and both parties are accorded with just protection.

If they lift the ban it would be easy for the aspiring au pair to go to an agency that is recognized by the government. The government can also have an alliance with countries that can bring a lot of benefits especially in au pairing like having the exchange visitors program that the Philippines and the US are participating in. A lot of aspirants will get the chance to experience different host countries and be recognized as the best Au Pairs in the international community.

Let’s just cross our fingers and pray that better policies for this situation will be implemented for the whole welfare of the au pairs. We must keep on supporting them so that the government can act immediately. Let’s feel proud that this kind of situation will definitely increase the people’s initiative to act as one.

So to all the Filipino Au pairs, bear in mind the song of Orange and Lemons that goes: “pinoy ikaw ay pinoy, ipakita sa mundo, kung ano ang kaya mo… “

a new beggining

2008-05-26T02:09:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! this is my first time to write on this blog since signing up for it last april..
I hope you'll be entertained by my writings... but if not.. thanks anyway! ciao!!!

Please forgive me of my writing and gramatical errors... I told you I'm not a good writer.. It's not in my blood!hehe